Jolly fellow with white beard and large girth stuffed into red suit. Need we say more?
HOW ARE YOUR CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS GOING AT THE SOUTH POLE THIS YEAR?
South Pole? My place is at the North Pole! But things are going fine except for my head elf who is feeling a bit tired and emotional. A bit too much of the Christmas spirits a bit much but I am sure he’ll recover in time.
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE THE HEAT IN PHUKET WHEN YOU’RE DRESSED IN YOUR SANTA SUIT?
I’ve got these new solar-powered, climate-controlled long johns. And when I’m working indoors I can plug them into the mains power. They work great so long as no one trips over the power cord!
ARE WHITE CHRISTMAS COCKTAILS OVERRATED? WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS DRINK?
I have to admit I am not particularly fond of “White Christmas”, or eggnog in general. I much prefer the fruitier “Sex on the Beach”. But don't tell the Mums add Dads that. They might get the wrong idea about me.
HOW DOES SANTA DELIVER THE PRESENTS TO CHILDREN IN PHUKET WHEN THEY HAVE NO FIREPLACES?
Magic, my friend! Seriously, take a look at my picture. I could never come down a chimney anyway. Even if you had a really big chimney, I wouldn’t want to get my suit all covered in soot. I don’t know who started this myth about chimneys. But you know, people believe what they want to believe.
WHAT SORT OF TREATS DO YOU LIKE THE CHILDREN OF PHUKET TO LEAVE OUT FOR YOU?
Anything from Dad’s special cabinet will do. The cabinet with all those bottles in it.
ARE YOU WORRIED THAT YOUR RED SUIT MAY GIVE THAIS THE WRONG IMPRESSION ABOUT YOUR POLITICS?
Not at all. Santa is beyond politics. Besides, this is a suit, not a shirt.
DO YOU HAVE ELVES TO HELP YOU IN PHUKET, OR BURMESE WORKERS?
It will be elves this year. Last year I had a nightmare at immigration and ended up having to leave all my helpers there and hand over half of all my presents in lieu of some kind of fee I never understood…
WHAT DO THE TUK-TUK AND TAXI DRIVERS SAY ABOUT YOU PARKING YOUR SLEIGH IN THEIR TERRITORY?
Oh, I don’t have any problems because I had my sleigh manufactured by Harley Davidson... Respect! Plus Rudolf bites. Believe me, you don’t want to get bitten by a reindeer. Worse than a pit bull.
WHY IS RUDOLPH’S NOSE REALLY SO RED?
Poor Rudolph suffers from really bad eyesight. He’s always running nose-first into things. I’m thinking of having him go through that popular laser treatment while we are here. I saw they have a Christmas special.
DO YOU EVER COME BACK TO PHUKET ON HOLIDAY ONCE YOUR CHRISTMAS WORK IS DONE?
I do. But you won’t see me. With this belly I blend in nicely with the other tourists from cold countries.
THANKS VERY MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO TALK TO US.
My pleasure. Now, have you been naughty or nice this year? Let me have a look in my bag…
• Our thanks to Teddy Fagerstrom for the introduction to Santa