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Humour: What kind of tourist are you?

HOW TO COMPLETE THE QUIZ:Put a circle round the letter for the answer that most closely resembles the one you would give. When you’ve finished, score 1 point for each ‘a’, 2 for each ‘b’, three for each ‘c’ and 4 for each ‘d’, then compare your score with the panels.

By The Phuket News

Sunday 11 January 2015, 01:00PM

1. What do you think is appropriate clothing for shopping in Phuket Town?

a. A nice clean shirt and slacks, I think. I don’t want to offend the Thai people by wearing inappropriate clothes.
b. A T-shirt and shorts should be all right, shouldn’t it?
c. Shirts? You’re both going to end up with Guinness tans – part dark, part white.
d. Phuket Town? Where’s that? What’s that?

2. How many large bottles of Chang beer can you drink in one session?

a. I stay away from that stuff. In fact, I don’t drink beer at all. I drink tea.
b. One or two.
c. Three or four.
d. Who’s counting? And is that with or without the Mekong whisky bombs?

3. At what time do you usually go to the beach?

a. Usually at about 6:30 in the morning. It’s cool and quiet then, and perfect for jogging. And the colours are wonderful.
b. About 9:30, after a good breakfast.
c. Usually in the afternoon. Depends how bad the hangover is.
d. Never. Now geddarayear. Carn ya see minpain? Uurgh.

4. What’s your hotel like?

a. It’s very nice. Three restaurants, a games room – I’m quite good at ping pong, actually – and a freeform pool. And the room’s very comfortable.
b. It’s okay for a three-star. The breakfast’s okay, but after all, a hotel’s just a place to sleep, isn’t it?
c. I’m staying at the Pocket Rocket Inn. It’s a bit scruffy, but it’s close to the action, if you know what I mean.
d. Dunno. I’ve forgotten where it is. See 5d.

5. How often have you been to Soi Bangla in the past week?

a. I was warned about that place, so I’ve never been. I don’t like that kind of thing.
b. I went once. It was fun, but there are lots of other things to see and do in Phuket.
c. Three or four times. It’s all a bit of a blur, to be honest, though I think I had fun.
d. Once. I’ve stayed here ever since. They let me sleep on one of the velvet benches at Wiggly Bottoms A-Go-Go.

6. How much Thai have you learned during your holiday?

a. A bit. It’s quite difficult, isn’t it? But I can order fried rice and I can tell the taxi driver ‘left’ and ‘right’.
b. I’m impressed. I get left and right mixed up in English, never mind Thai.
c. Pom rak khun. Towrai? That means ‘I love you. How much?’ Useful, eh?
d. Useful when you’re chatting up a ladyboy, I suppose. But you don’t really need to speak any Thai. Yo! Darling! Beer! See? She understands just fine.

7. How do you think Phuket should improve things for tourists?

a. Oh, I don’t think it’s my place to criticize. After all, every country has its drawbacks.
b. Wow, where do I start? Garbage on the beach? All those unnecessary plastic bags they give you in shops? The smell of drains? Scary traffic? The noise?
c. Well, they could start by getting rid of the trash – like the people who tick every ‘d’ in this survey.
d. You snotty git! Come on! Outside! Now! I’ll improve yer face!

8. What kind of motorbike have you rented?

a. I haven’t. Have you seen the traffic? Motorbikes are much too dangerous. Besides, I don’t have a motorbike license. I’ve rented a big solid Volvo.
b. I agree, though the Volvo’s perhaps going a bit far. Suzuki jeep for me.
c. Suzuki Smash. It’s quite quick for a cheap motorbike, and I love the wind in my hair. By the way, I don’t think you need a license to ride a motorbike in Thailand.
d. You wuss. You poofter. A dinky little Suzuki when you can rent a Ducati Monster or a big Harley? You fairy! Eat my dust! Eeehah!

9. What do you think of the bargirls in Patong?

a. I’m sure they’re all very nice, but I’ve never spoken with one. In fact, I’ve never actually met one.
b. Well, their conversation seems a bit limited. “You hansome man you buy me dink.” They all say that. But they’re cute, most of them.
c. You call me a poofter again and I’ll punch your lights out. Uh, the girls? They’re great. Fantastic! See – I’m not a fairy. Wouldn’t go near those ladyboys.
d. I’ll bet your favourite colour’s pink. You probably rented a pink Suzuki Smash. C’mon pretty boy, gimme a beer. No. Gimme two, ya fairy! The girls? Awesome. And they LOVE me! Don’t you, my darlings?

10. Which Thai food do you like best?

a. Well, I like Tom Yam, of course, and Khao Pad. I quite often go to Thai restaurants at home. Thai food is absolutely sublime! And the seafood in Phuket is fantastic – those prawns!
b. It all looks great and most of it smells great, but crikey, you’ve got to watch out for those chilies. I quite like the fish in ginger. And yeah, the prawns are really good.
c. The fish and chips are good, and the pizza’s okay.
d. The Chang beer’s great, and the Singha’s not bad either. The Red Bull’s a bit funny, though. It’s sort of sweet, not like the real thing.
c. You stupid tosser! Red Bull started in Thailand. The Thai Red Bull’s the real thing. Don’t you know anything?
d. You’re calling me stupid? At least I didn’t rent a pretty pink Suzy Smash.
c. Right! That does it!
d. Ow! You poked me in the eye!
c. Yeah, and I’ll poke you somewhere more painful in a minute if you don’t shut up.
d. Obsessed with male genitals, aren’t ya? See? What did I tell you all? He’s a raving woofter!
c. I told you not to call me that! I’m gonna kill you!
d. Yeah? You and whose army? Come on – just try it!

Sounds of bottles being smashed, and police sirens in the distance.

Check your score 

1-10: You are very sensible and very responsible. But are you having fun? Are you making the most of your holiday in Phuket? Have a Chang beer. Go on. You might actually like it… Of course it won’t do you any harm.
11-20: You are normally sensible, but you get silly occasionally. Remember the trouble you got into last time? You don’t? See what I mean? But is going off the rails only occasionally really worth all that restraint? Why not go the whole hog?
21-30: You have a glimmering of common sense. But not a lot. You’re probably one of those people who leave their brains at the airport when they arrive. Make a note to yourself now: “Don’t forget: Condoms. Paracetamol. Wallet.” By the way, is it true you’re a fairy?
31-40: You’re full-on with no brakes, aren’t you? Got a good lawyer? Health insurance? You’re going to need one or the other, or both, in the next few days. By the way, all that harshly expressed homophobia may indicate you’re actually a closet … Ow! Stop!

And now, the ladies

1. What do you think is appropriate clothing for shopping in Phuket Town?

a. I love shopping, but with the state of my tummy, I can’t go anywhere outside this hotel, so why ask me?
b. Okay, I hear they’ve got some good restaurants in the town, but unless they’ve got beaches and spas, I’m not going.
c. Well, obviously, you can’t go shopping topless, can you? Or can you? Tell me you can! You mean it? Are there lots of gorgeous blokes in the shopping malls?
d. Same as my drinking clothes, I expect. I mean, what are a few beer stains between friends?

2. How many kamikazes can you drink in one session?

a. I’ve never had one, and it sounds nasty.
b. One or two.
c. Enough to get tiddly and giggly. The boys love that.
d. Depends on whether we’re talking about depth-charging beers with them.

3. How do you think Thailand could improve things for tourists?

a. I just wonder if there’s any way that they could reduce the strength of the sunlight. It really is so strong. And they could put less spice in the food. Actually, no spice would perfect.
b. Oh, the place is already fabulous. Do you think they’d let me take a couple of masseurs home with me?
c. They should ban most of these Thai girls from coming to tourist areas like Phuket. I mean, don’t you think there are too many of them? You even see fat old foreign men riding around on motorbikes with two or young girls. It’s disgusting.
d. They could change the rules so I could stay here all year.

4. What do you think of the bargirls in Patong?

a. I’m sure they’re all very nice, but I’ve never spoken with one. In fact, I’ve never actually met one.
b. Well, their conversation seems a bit limited. “You hansome man you buy me dink.” And they’re so skinny. They need some flesh on them, like me.
c. Like I said, there are too many of them.
d. So long as they keep the drinks coming I got no complaints.

5. At what time do you usually get to the beach?

a. I told you! I’m stuck in this horrid hotel with my horrid tummy. And in any case, I have an extremely delicate skin, and I burn in two seconds. So ‘Never!’ is the answer.
b. As soon as I’ve finished breakfast, then as soon as I’ve finished lunch, and then again as soon as I come out of the spa. Do you like my tan?
c. You tell me when the boys are there and I’ll be there in a flash.
d. I went to a beach party last night. But the beer ran out, so we went back to Bangla.

6. What’s your hotel like?

a. Well, what would you say about your hotel if you pretty much had to stay in your room the whole time? I hear they have three restaurants, a games room with ping pong and a freeform pool. That’s what I hear, but I haven’t seen any of them.
b. I just use it for sleeping. It’s okay, I suppose.
c. I use mine for sleeping, too and it’s NOT okay. I mean, I’m young and I’m sexy – well, that’s what my boyfriend used to say before he left – and here I am sleeping alone. That’s sad, isn’t it?
d. Ping pong, eh? I went to a ping pong show. I even tried ‘playing’ it. Not easy. Darts was easier, if you know what I mean…

7. How much Thai have you learned during your holiday?

a. I can say ‘loom serwit’. Is that Thai?
b. None, really. I mean, how much do you need for lying on the beach or in a spa?
c. Listen to this: ‘Chan rak ter.’ It means ‘I love you.’ But the trouble is that whenever I say it, I can’t understand what they say back.
d. I haven’t learned much of the language, but I’ve picked up a fair bit of culture, like how to hit the nail right in that game they play outside the bars, and how to mix that 11 Tigers drink. Oh wait – I know how to say ‘Chork dee’. That means ‘Bottoms up!’

8. What tours have you done so far?

a. I went on a tour to see how they make rubber and we toured a coconut farm and palm oil place. It was awfully hot. And then I got this horrid tummy thing.
b. Simon Cabaret was good. I mean, I know it’s not really a tour, but it was a good show. Mind you, I’d rather be at a spa.
c. I went out on a boat trip to James Bond Island. It was beautiful, especially since there was this gorgeous Israeli guy I couldn’t keep my eyes off. But he was completely surrounded by Thai women.
d. I went on a pub crawl along Soi Bangla with a bunch of Aussies. Only one of them managed to drink more than me. It was brilliant.

9. What’s your favourite Thai dish?

a. I quite like some of the fruit. But not the weird-looking stuff – the hairy and spiky things. And it has to be thoroughly washed or it gives me a bad tummy.
b. I love the food here. I mean, back home it’s just a watered-down version of Thai food. Know what I mean? I could eat it all day. Actually, I do eat it all day. Half the night, too.
c. I’ve been to some really nice restaurants here, and not all Thai food, either. But my favourite Thai food? Long beans, long cucumbers, those really big, loooong papayas.
d. Like that bloke on the previous pages says, the fish and chips are good. The pizza’s okay, too. So’s the ice cream. But the drink’s the best thing. Sang Som Coke and all that.

10. Where have you been on Phuket Island?

a. Well, I haven’t really been anywhere apart from the rubber tour. Well, I did go to the International Hospital the day after that because of my iffy tummy.
b. I’ve been to Patong Beach, Kata Beach and Karon Beach and tomorrow I’m going to Nai Harn Beach. And each time, when the sun’s hottest, I go to a spa for a lovely rub down. Had a great massage the other day – chocolate.
c. Oh girl! You went to the spa alone? I would have taken a bloke with me, and he could have had my chocolate and I would have had his, if you get my drift.
d. Like I said, Soi Bangla. I mean, where else do you need to go? It represents everything that’s fun about Thailand.

see how you score

1-10: You probably should have stayed at home in London, Stockholm, New York or wherever. You have a delicate skin, the heat gives you a rash and you really don’t like the food. Did your boyfriend/husband drag you here? By the way, where is he while you’re lying down in the hotel room with a migraine?
11-20: There’s the gorgeous beach, the fab food and the super spas. The problem is that you’re spending so much time eating or lying around that – how do we put this delicately? – you seem to occupy rather more beach than you did before.
21-30: You like the freewheeling atmosphere of Phuket. But where are all the guys? What’s a holiday without a holiday romance? All the blokes – even the really ancient ones – seem to be glued to these skinny little things who speak really bad English and can’t be older than 16. You need a better plan, girl.
31-40: You fit in fine just about anywhere. You have the constitution of an ox – you can eat or drink anything. And you’re not afraid of exploring the underbelly of Phuket’s various watering holes. In fact, you could give lessons in disgusting and obnoxious behaviour to any of the blokes on the previous pages. They’d probably like it, too.



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