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BIG LIST: Transport Triumphs

The Fahrradi Farfall FFX bicycle may be the greatest feat in useless transportation history since the Sinclair C5, but take a look at any of the following and it starts looking more and more like the supercar it so resembles.

Monday 21 May 2012, 09:05AM


Tread carefully: The treadmill is a wonderful invention for those energetic enough to exercise, but too lazy to step outside. They can also come in pretty handy if you live in England or some other godforsaken part of the world wetter than a fish underwater.

The SpeedFit Treadmobile, meanwhile, is a fitness vehicle that takes everything remotely practical from the treadmill and removes it. It’s basically a treadmill powered car, but the thing is so huge it’s almost impossible to turn. But by far the most baffling aspect is that this is a machine that moves forward when you run. If you just cut out that middle man and, you know, actually run, you’ll save a cool US$6,000 (B187,000).

On yer ‘bike’: It takes a fair level of skill and supreme stupidity to screw up a bicycle – two wheels, a metal frame, handlebars and an uncomfortable seat, and you’re only some crotch-accentuating Lycra shorts away from qualifying for the Tour de France.

But one man wanted to buck that trend. That man is Curtis DeForest. As well as having a terrible name for an environmentalist, DeForest was apparently dismayed by how easy it was to ride a bicycle, and thus the HyperBike was born.

The bike’s big selling point (and we use that term loosely, because there’s no way you could sell this ‘bike’) is that you have to use your entire body to move it, which includes pedaling with your hands and feet, guaranteeing you expend every available ounce of energy and dignity while reaching your destination.

Balancing act: Ladies and gentlemen, behold the Honda UX-3, the future of elderly mobility devices. Looking like the bastard love child of EVE from WALL-E and a sunglasses case, any small shift in weight will result in the UX-3 moving in that direction, making the fact that Honda wants to market this to old people kind of worrying.

To clarify, Honda decided to sell a vehicle that requires extremely precise balance to a group of people who are known primarily for a lack of exactly that.

Chariots of fire: The folks at American Chariot had the noble ambition of making police officers faster, more mobile and able to carry more supplies. While this sounds great on paper, what they actually came up with was... well, the photo says it all really.

The first thing you might notice is that the American Chariot literally looks like a chariot, which would be extremely intimidating except that instead of a team of fierce stallions pounding the ground in front of you, you have three tiny little wheels. In fact, the configuration is kind of like the Big Wheel trike you had as a toddler. Only you stand up on it, because you’re a big boy now.

Without a paddle: Crossing any body of water can be a bit of a hassle. But with their ability to float, ease of use and general reliability, boats make things just a little too easy. So what you really want is a vehicle that lets you frantically hump a metal pole while slowly sinking into the water.

And you’re in luck, because such a product exists, thanks to the folks at AquaSkipper. Aside from needing a perfectly flat lake with no waves whatsoever, you’ll need physics to look the other way while you try to dry hump your way across the water for a bit.

And we should emphasise ‘a bit’, because sooner or later gravity will catch on to the fact that you’re trying to travel across a freakin’ lake on non-floating metal pole and then things will become extremely wet.

 

 

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