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BIG LIST: Dietary Requirements

Don’t get too excited about those gigantic cookie glasses just yet – they’re not being made public (probably because the creators want them all to themselves). But perhaps you can try any of the following:

Friday 15 June 2012, 10:27AM


Road map to weight loss: If the very thought of exercise has got your appetite stimulated, you could always just try to get yourself a fork with traffic lights or a talking plate that watches what you eat for you. Meet Diet Dinnerware.

The way it works is pretty simple: Every 40 to 60 seconds, the red light on the shaft turns green, indicating it’s okay to have a mouthful. Then the light turns red again, leaving you to masticate like a farm animal while waiting patiently for the green light. Repeat until plate is empty/dinner is cold/you’ve stabbed the nearest living thing with your fork in a fit of hunger rage. It makes every meal as relaxing as gridlock traffic!

Talking heads: Now for the talking plate, also known as the Smart Plate, which is slightly misleading, because this plate is in fact extremely stupid, hence why it’s on this list. Designed specifically for fans of The Biggest Loser and intensely depressing meals, the plate is programmed to insult the person eating off it.

See, the Smart Plate is equipped with a weight sensor, which is connected to small speakers that will berate you with pre-recorded phrases such as “Where’s your willpower?” and “Stop right there! What about excess weight?” whenever the pre-programmed weight limit is reached. While dieting tends to be all about self esteem issues, the Smart Plate is designed to take whatever little crumbs of self-worth you have left, and make you beg for them, because they know you like crumbs.

Feeling blue: The colour of food is huge when it comes to our appetites. And according to some colour theorists, blue is the most unappetising colour. Thus the Diet Sunglasses were born, seemingly with the secondary aim of making fat people look like flamboyant aviators as they eat.

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The really crazy thing is that they might actually work... completely by accident. While there’s no scientific data saying that blue is the least appetising colour, and about a million blue M&Ms that in fact claim the complete opposite, there is data that suggests it’s the most relaxing colour, and scientists think you’re more likely to eat well if you’re relaxed. So basically, you could just listen to Enya while you eat. Or eat nothing but blue M&Ms.

I can’t believe it’s not bacon: Flavor Spray is a calorie-free spray-on flavour by ‘gourmet’ chef David Burke that claims to add, say, cheeseburger flavour to your rice crackers without all those cheeseburgery calories. There’s a range of 25 flavours available, so you can go completely crazy: buttery pesto birthday cake, banana split chicken, mango raspberry bubblegum parmesan cheese teriyaki whiskey.

And yes, of course, there is a bacon flavour, which we all know makes everything better. Of course, most of us have some common sense, and that means to most of us, bacon-flavoured broccoli isn’t really going to say “bacon” to our taste buds. It’s going to say, “Broccoli smothered in porky chemicals.”

Urinary tact: So you’ve tried every weight loss method known to man, outside of diet and exercise (because that’s for suckers). But there’s almost definitely something you haven’t tried yet (we hope): hCG hormone injections. If you follow that path, you’ll discover that hCG hormone is attained from a very specific source: Human urine.

Even more specifically, pregnant women’s urine. Author Kevin Trudeau was the guy to take this pee rocket to the moon with his best-selling book, The Weight Loss Cure “They” Don’t Want You to Know About. Now, let’s talk about Kevin. 1) The man is telling you to syringe pee in your body, and 2) He is a convicted felon with a criminal record the length of your arm who has no medical training or proof of his claims whatsoever. Basically, he’s the sort of guy you might buy drugs from. But medicine? Probably not.

 

 

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